The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
