she looked like the bat from fern gully.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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