Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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