I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize
