she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Randomize
