Betty ford says i'm here all night
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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