1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
