put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
