It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Randomize
