I met the friendliest cop last night
I skipped work to stalk him.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
