Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
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Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
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Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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