She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
