i just wanna soil my oats bro
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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