You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
