You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
