He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
