oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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