I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
