I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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