Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
21 People Confess What It’s Really Like At An Orgy
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
These 15 Honest Illustrations Show What Women Do When No One Is Watching
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.