I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
