Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
