I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
