I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
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