If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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