We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
