i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
