i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
