This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
you had me at cake vodka
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
