Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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