I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Randomize
