I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
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She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
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And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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