I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
