Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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