"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
