I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
