my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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