i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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