Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
