Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
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