No awkward lesbian experiences without me
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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