Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
