Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
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