It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
We had sex on a dog bed..
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
We need to get me chipped asap
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
