got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
tell me about the eggs
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
