Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
