I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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