I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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