Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
