I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Randomize
