When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
