she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
She's the barista slut.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
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