Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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