I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
