Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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