You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me