I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
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We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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