Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
