I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
