I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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