: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
