my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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