FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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