I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
