I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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