Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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